I forgot to bring my journal, so I'm deciding to write my thoughts in here for today. I'm sorry to say that it isn't going to be an uplifting note, I suppose its just one of those days where the world is upside down again.
Maybe its the fact that I'm just recovering from sickness or that my beliefs are constantly seesawing on a ledge. I've always believed there was more to life than just "having fun" or "living in the moment" and growing up I'm sure many few has felt the same way. I'm sure many of these few has that need to make a difference or to find true meaning in life... But lately I've been questioning it, what does it mean to make a difference, to what extent do I need to make this difference and what does this all mean to me? Sometimes I would feel it in my heart the answer and sometimes these answers just go away as if it said "these answers doesn't really matter, go and play with the rest of the kids".
I've been reading several books lately about answers, beliefs, facts and opinions. And still with all these answers, I cant seem to find the one that means the most to me. So the question still arises and from the bottom of my heart I ask "What does this all mean and why do I keep trying to find answers? "... It all becomes repetitive without me actually understanding it, they say good deeds "help man kind" "to make you happy" "to spread altruism"... But these answers are not enough. There's an ich in me that is so close to understanding and maybe so far as well.
On this loop, I've come to realize the harsh reality of the world. Realizing more things that I couldn't handle before just puts me into a bigger loop. The world has secrets, its different, complex and not always what it seems. It has joy, sadness and love. So complex that even though I can answer my own questions I still wouldn't truly know what it means. Lol..
Today I also learned that the world is "dependent"... As if the existence of something is always in the relationship to another. Like tables are made of parts to create its whole or how molecules form together to make a rose me or you. And how you and I are dependent of each other in order to know of each others existence.... Well thats what I got so far from reading "how to see yourself as who you really are" by the Dalai Lama. ..
I guess thats enough of that philosophical rant, so back to art... At the moment I'm on a hold with art. but I am glad to say that I'm starting school soon, precisely on the 13th! I hope this puts me in a harmonious and balanced reality. It will probably be stressful, but I hope its the good kind. New School, maybe new friends? I wonder what else is in store for me, better skills?! Lol Well I'm getting tired now, I'll let my mind rant off in my sleep.. Good night!